Diva-Neh

Men are from Venus; Persian Women are just plain bat shit crazy. Every single last one of them. The crew of Persian guys I grew up with used to always say they are all crazy except four our mothers and sisters. I take it back. They are ALL crazy. Every last one of them. Moms, sisters, aunts, grandmas, wives, girlfriends. I'm not leaving anyone of them out of this Bat Shit category.


My favorite thing about Persian women is they all claim they are different than other persian girls. The only different they are, is different levels of crazy. Needs to be in a mental institute crazy all the way down to the most mild cases which involve constantly yelling, lack of logic, emotional instability and mood swings that would make Charlie Sheen confused. Most fall within the milder level, which is not to say they are not crazy. Trying to talk logic to a Persian Girl reminds me of the time I tried to convince my parents in the 9th grade that it would be a good idea for me to get one of those fake diamond earings on both of my ears. Needless to say Saeed (may he RIP) and Marjaneh were not obliging. Regardless of their by nature crazyness, each one of them is convinced they are the exception to the group. WRONG! I think this comedian is pretty dead on actually

Actually after rewatching this video, I just realized how dead on he really is. I've come to my conclusion over the years with series of events, some I will choose to get into, others I will probably shy away from considering I'm dating a Persian girl as we speak and suppose to have dinner with her tonight and I have a mom and sister that would chop my you know what up and serve it as koobideh and the next mehmouni (gathering) if I cross those lines. (dont for a second think I dont lump you in the crazy group however) Here are a couple of the lessons:

Lesson #1: About a year ago, I introduced an American friend of mine to a Persian Girl that I know in New York. On paper it was a match made in heaven: He had a thing for exotic women and she had a thing for men with exotic cars. A couple of weeks into dating, my buddy calls me up with a status report, telling me how great things are going. She's so laid back. She's so open minded. She doesnt seem like she's very pretentious. How he really liked the direction of things.

A good friend would probably warn that things were about to go downhill. Unfortunately for him, I took a break from good friend duties to watch this girl eat him alive. and so she did. Last month, I was in New York for a bachelor party but made time to catch up with my buddy for a drink. As I waited for him at a bar by sister's apartment (she's crazy too by the way but a mild case of it), my buddy came storming into the bar with the type of agression that would made Andre Johnson envious:

Lesson Learned: No more setting up friends with Persian Girls.

Lesson # 2: I once (maybe even recently :) ) went on a road trip with a Persian friend of mine who is a girl. I had left my camera in her possession awhile back and on my way to pick her up, I called her to kindly remind her, as I had done the night previously to please pack my camera with her belongings. She, both times, acquisced to my request and ackowledged that she would have it along with her possessions. Fast forward to half way through our road trip, I ask to see the camera so that I could delete some old pictures while my other friend is driving. Seems like a pretty routine story. Please entertain me and guess her reponse:
a. Sure let me get it out of my bag
b. Sorry it's in the trunk with my other bag.
c. I forgot it, even though you asked me twice nicely. I appologize Amir Joon.
d. YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT AMIR, IF YOU WANTED YOUR CAMERA YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED AFTER YOU ALREADY CALLED TO REMIND ME TO BRING YOU CAMERA. YOU ARE SO IRRESPONSIBLE AND THEN YOU BLAME ME FOR THINGS.

D. would be the correct answer, written in caps to emphasize both the loudness of hearing a five foot 5 105 pound girl who could yell louder than any professionally trained Viena State Opera singer as well the schock on my face from the delivery of reponse D. Thus, the reason, my ringtone for her is the following song (its in farsi)

Lesson # 3: Hate to do this to a person who is my top 3 favorite people in the world but truth be told craziness does not preclude the amount of love and respect I have for this person so I will move forward. I call my grandmother in Iran about once a week to check in on her, tell her I love her and miss her etc. We are usually on the phone for half an hour and the conversation usually goes like this:
 Me: Hi Papar (her name), I miss you so much cant wait to see you (before I can finish my sentence she is off and rambling). "On Monday I had lunch with Ms. Rajansanji and she has gained so much wait because she keeps eating Eclaires from that place on Shiraz street, had tea with the Honorable Dr. Farufi who is now the head of internal medicine and just bought a house in Azad neighboorhood, and then had dinner with Ms Terhani is excited for her daughter Firouzeh's wedding in Dubai." (* I made up these names for purpose of the story so you real gossip followers are out of luck) She will continue to give hour by hour descriptions of who she went and saw and what exactly they did before she ends our conversation with when am I going to get married and get her granchildren. This conversation has several flaws:
1) I left Iran when I was 3 months old so I dont really follow the names of the places she mentions yet she tells them to me like they are my regular hangout spots.
2) I have no clue whatsoever who any of the people she is talking about are. None. yet, I get updates regarding them as if Dr Farufi is my homeboy.
3) She is content with a phone conversation where  thirty seconds of I miss you and I love yous are sandwiched by 29 minutes and thirty seconds of the latest and greatest of Tehran gossup.

I've only recently noticed that every Persian girl I am forced to have phone conversations with (hate phone time btw) is starting to exude the same tendencies regardless of age or proximity to me. Even a non-psychologists could determine this phenomenon to be directly attributed to Persian Women cat like me first personalities.

Come to thing about it, Persian Guys must in fact be from Venus. While Persian Women are crazier than Venezuelans, Columbians and Lebanese women (these 3 are next on the crazy scale), they continue to remain attractive dating options. All jokes aside, crazy or not, still the most amazing women I have met are in fact Persian women. Well accomplished, smart, attractive, determined. Still crazy though.
Me and my crazy Persian girlfriend are headed out to New England this weekend (flying to boston catching game 7 of the Bruins series, then headed to the islands. Hope you guys have a rad Memorial Day Weekend.

Peace in the Middle East


p.s. I have one request from you blog readers: Please STOP using the word "Epic". Using (and overusing) the word Epic is no longer in fact epic, it's damn right annoying. (i.e. that movie was epic, the trip was epic, tonight will be epic- I am getting pissed off just writing out these examples)